The Fishing Derby (season 11 episode)/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, we get real cold winters up at the lodge, and the challenge is trying to keep the place warm enough to support human life. But I've got a better idea. You know, instead of cranking up the thermostat or clear-cutting a forest just so you can keep cosy, the truth is you don't have to heat the whole building. You don't even have to heat the whole room. All you have to heat is your own body. That's what the astronauts do. So let's be like astronauts. Get yourself one of these big garment bags. I don't need this. I don't have clothes I don't wear. Then all you gotta do is cut yourself a couple of arm and leg holes. Okay, we're all systems go. Now I just plug in my hair dryer, which is set on high, and I'll be laughing. Don't you wish you were? [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. Well, it's a big week at the lodge this week. Harold is putting on a fishing derby. He's putting a prize fish into possum lake, and whoever catches it gets 1,000 bucks. I mean, this'll be the biggest influx of cash at the lodge since we took back our empties. Uncle red! Can you help me out? I gotta tag the prize fish. Wow! That's her, eh? Heavy! What is it anyway? Can you just tag it for me so I can release it into possum lake? Harold, what kind of jelly arms do you have? Can't you just hold it with one hand and tag it with the other? Well, yeah -- no! No! No! No, I can't. Alex! Alex! What do you want me to do, harold? I just want you to get the tag and the crimping tool out of my pocket. Yes. This pocket here? Is that the tag? No, that's my caramel chewy candy. Aren't they? Those are good, I like those. You eat a fair number of them, don't you? Maybe up top. Try up top. Got it? I got the tag, but there's no crimping tool. Oh, it's in my pants pocket. No, harold, harold. I'll do it by hand. Just bring the fish over here. Hold her still! Hold her still! He knows you're coming! [ both talking at once ] ow! Ow! Ow! Look what you did! Look what you did! It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives a coupon for a free vegetable waxing from inga's house of rubbing. Come on in and have inga polish your turnip. Winners must be 18 years of age or older. Okay, dalton, cover up your ears. Red, you have 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And go! Okay, dalton, when you're really good, you get to go here. The bedroom. Where do the saints go? Marching in? No, this starts with "h," okay? It's a movie. Something can wait. Husbands. Okay, dalton, where do you want to go when you die? Florida. Okay, red, you're almost outta time. Dalton, this is a place where people get to spend eternity. The senate. No, no, no. Where does god live? Well, not in my neighbourhood. The whole area stinks to high heaven. There we go! You did it! [ ♪ ] you know, in the last few years a lot of people have given up on saving the world or trying to be a successful business person or a good parent and are concentrating instead on trying to make a decent cup of coffee. You start with a blend of coffee beans from the south american mountains that have picked up a little extra flavour from the sweat of the donkey's back. And then they grind them all up in one of these fancy noise makers. What the heck? Oh. Wondered where that wrench got to. Then they take the ground up coffee beans, put them into this special pot, add some water in there and boil that all up. Then they take one of these plunger units goes down inside there and you squeeze all of the flavour out of the coffee. Odd to see a plunger on the input side of the equation, isn't it? And then they have their cup of coffee. But maybe you can't afford all of these special appliances. Maybe you've already spent your disposable income on college tuition or bail. You need a cheaper way to make coffee. All you need is a lawn mower with a grass catcher on it. Then what you do is you take your coffee beans and you make a pile of them on some smooth, hard surface, like a paved driveway or a sidewalk or the roof of your car. Then you set the blade as low as she'll go, and give the beans a quick buzz. I'm sure they'll return the favour later. Okay, now we take our coffee grounds, pour them into our coffee pot. And then comes the best part... Plunging. That's because we don't have to do it by hand. The piston and cylinder of an internal combustion engine uses exactly the same mechanical principles as a coffee plunger. But wait a second. Let me put my coffee mug under the exhaust pipe first. The coffee'll go through this thing pretty fast. We've all been there, haven't we? All right, now you just pour the coffee into the carburator. Pour it slow. If you stall this thing, it's pig to get her going again. Another bonus of this is you can say to your guests, "who wants 'mower' coffee?" get it? Mower. And here's another bonus... With the carbon monoxide mixed in there, this coffee won't keep you awake. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ applause ] ♪ ] you know, as I get older, I find a lot things in life kind of follow a similar pattern. For example, my wife and I just come up to our 35th anniversary, and it seems to me that marriage is like a long game of poker. Some days you have the cards and some days you don't. So you gotta learn how to be a good loser and occasionally how to be a gracious winner. Mainly, you gotta know how to bluff. You gotta know when to press your luck and when to head for the hills. You know, it's like that kenny rogers song. Although, after five or six marriages, he's obviously better at folding them than he is at holding them. But the main objective is to keep putting your ante in there every hand, every day. It's just a game after all, and it will get better. A full house usually starts out as just a pair. So you just hang in there. Play the hand you're dealt. You know that she's gonna ultimately win the pot, but you know, if you play your cards right, she may buy you something frilly. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, we've been out there fishing for four hours, and nobody has caught the prize fish. In fact, nobody's caught any fish. I think the only thing living in possum lake is our bait, and I don't like its chances, to be honest with you. Uncle red, did you wanna talk to me? Yeah, harold, I was looking at the rules, and I have a couple of questions for you. Did you pay the $10 entrance fee? Harold, I just said I have a question. You don't respond with another question. That's very, very, very disrespectful. Sorry. Sorry. So did you pay the $10 entrance fee? I'm good for it, harold, okay? When I catch the $1,000 fish, just give me $990 of it. Okay, now, in the rules here it doesn't limit the fishermen to use any special kind of bait or fishing rod or anything. No, we've left that up to the individual fishermen, as long as he's paid the $10 entrance fee. Okay, so I can catch this fish any way I want? No, no, not you. As soon as you pay the $10 entrance fee -- all right! All right! Then if you take my ten bucks, then any way I wanna catch this fish is fair game, is that right? Yeah, okay, fine. Okay, great. Great. Great. Now, harold, remember you had that badminton tournament? You had all those geeky kids from the computer school? Was that not great? Was that not great? We had 25 games of badminton going on at the same time. You wanna talk exciting? That was badminton there. Oh, yeah. Everybody had a bird. I'm just wondering what you did with the badminton equipment when you were done. Oh, I just put it in the attic of the boat house. Great. Thanks, harold. You be careful with those rackets. They were expensive. I'm not gonna use the rackets. The nets. The nets! Uncle red, no, not nets! Don't you hate it when you're driving in heavy traffic in the winter and you run out of windshield washer fluid? The wipers won't do a thing with no moisture on there. So you end up tailgating tractor trailers trying to catch their vapour trail. I've been known to lean out my window at 75 clicks just to throw coffee on my windshield. Well, that's never going to happen to me again, because, friends, you have just witnessed the last refill I'm ever going to have to make. From now on, I'm going to recycle my washer fluid. That's what this funnel's for. "how's that gonna work?" you're probably asking, among other things. Well, I'll tell you how it's going to work. Can you say eaves trough? [ applause ] hi, gord. On your way to a sanity hearing? No, no. Not yet. But this is perfect. I found an old book of magic tricks, and I need a volunteer. Sit down. You're not gonna tie me up, are you? C'mon, red. C'mon. You know I'm not allowed rope up here anymore. Now, pick a card. Don't show me what it is. Memorize it, all right? Okay, now put it back in the deck. Okay, done. Now, I mix the deck up a little bit. Now, prepare to be amazed as I turn over the next card to reveal your jack of spades. No. Well, then it's a queen of diamonds. No. Community chest. You have no idea, do you gord? C'mon, red, lighten up. It's an old magician's gag. Make the audience believe you don't know what you're doing. Boy, does it ever work. Oh, well, have you seen what's underneath my hat? Okay, all right, that's a rabbit. Oh, is it, red? Is it a rabbit? Okay, that's flowers. Oh, flowers. You think it's flowers? That's annoying. Oh, well, then allow me to lend you my handkerchief. Okay, gord, this is not how it works. You don't just keep changing the trick. You finish the trick that you started with. That's how the whole deal works. You're right. Who am I kidding? I'm not a magician. I'm a loser. My life is just a big pile of unfulfilled dreams, missed opportunities and the occasional restraining order. I don't blame you for not liking me. Well, no, it's not that I don't like you. It's just I wanted to see my two of clubs. Oh, well, you mean this two of clubs? Yeah! Yeah, that's it! Way to go. Way to go. There's more where that came from. Red: Mike and I met out on the rink there behind the lodge to have a little game of curling, and we brought our rocks, as we always do. And the brooms were like new because they were for cleaning the lodge. And mike had brought a gallon of paint. He wanted me to go up and -- in curling they have something that's called a house. It's got a dot in the middle and has rings around the outside. Sometimes it's tough to figure out how to paint a circle, especially on the ice. But luckily I had come with an eaves trough nail in my pocket. So I punctured that through the can of paint. And flipped her over. Flipper her over quick. And there's your circle. Okay, that's the dot in the middle. Now you gotta just bring her out and you start doing the rings with it. And around and around she goes. It's a pretty effective way to -- and before you know it, you think they put houses up fast where you live, I built that one in about two seconds. Okay, so now we're ready to go, so mike takes -- he plays lead. But we have kind of small teams. You gotta do your own sweeping, and he's out there and away he goes. I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, because mike doesn't do everything by the book, you know. So now I gotta throw in my takeout rock and I'm pretty familiar with takeout, as a general rule, but I didn't quite get -- all right, I missed. So now mike fires another one in there and he gets the sweeper going. And here again, uh, I think I needed someone else or some type of a referee because mike is just getting flagrant with the way he's cheating, as far as I'm concerned. So I figure I gotta go to the next level. Forget the rock. I'm gonna push my car. That should take out -- this is actually my takeout car. Here we come. Looking good. That one's out. And that one's gone. Oh, baby! Dead centre! So then mike, he fires his in. He gives it a little spin. And he's gonna try to curl her in there. Oh, look out. Look out! Oh, baby! And oh, my gosh. You get the big win there, mike. Looks like your end came through again. How's your end feeling anyway? Not that good. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] this is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. So, mike, what have you got for us today? It's a car radio that doesn't work. Well, I figured that, mike. You know, this is great because with electronic equipment, there's actually a step-by-step procedure that a real handyman goes through, okay? Step one: Turn her on. Well, shouldn't it have a power source or something? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Step minus one: Plug her in. Well, it's a car radio. It doesn't have a plug. It kinda connects up to the battery. Yeah, of course. I got one here. You know what threw me off, mike? That's a very fancy radio. I've never seen one like that before. Is that a foreign unit? It's made in texas. Well, there you go. Oh, look. The light came on. Yeah, well, that's about as far as I got too. Did you try turning it off then right back on again? Yeah, I did that. Did you jiggle it? Uh-huh. Did you try hitting it? Yep. Did you try turning it off and letting it just sit for ten minutes and then every 20 seconds you went back and did the same darned routine all over again? About a dozen times, yeah. Well, I think we're scuppered here, mike. The only other alternative is to look at the manual, and I'm not gonna be going there. We're done. Well, shouldn't it have a speaker attached to it? Well, probably -- I was just -- I was just coming to that. We're going to hook the speaker up to it now, mike. That's the next -- that was -- okay, the speaker. How many of you were ahead of us on that? Bull. [ radio static ] oh, we're getting something. Yeah. Come in, rangoon. [ radio stations changing ] roger, sergeant. We copy. Sounds like the cops. Be on the lookout for a suspect carrying a police scanner. Okay, thanks, mr. Green. I gotta go. You know, one of the hazards of winter is getting too much snow built up on your roof. You can have an avalanche just coming out your own front door. And believe me, it's a real shock to the system to suddenly have 30 pounds of snow show up in your undershorts. Now, for big mountains like they have in switzerland or on the waltons, they control the amount of snow build-up by firing off a cannon. The explosion breaks up all the snow drifts so they kinda roll down the hill without turning any cross-country skiers into frosted flakes. They basically have a bunch of small avalanches to avoid having a big one, like the way you have those small daily disagreements with your wife to avoid having the big one where you end up living in your car. Now, unfortunately, I can't fire a cannon to get the snow off my roof because the lodge cannon apparently will not be returning to us until after the trial. So instead I'm going to make a cannon-like noise by filling my engine here with hairspray. Guys my age don't need hairspray anyway. Unless there's paint in it. All we do now is start the engine and let nature take its course. [ engine turning over ] [ applause ] boy, those badminton nets work great. I believe I caught my limit. It's disgusting. It's supposed to be a fishing derby not a salvage expedition. Harold, when you're in a contest, you gotta use your ingenuity. I'm a creative guy. You're a destructive guy. You ever hear of sportsmanship? Do you think this is what the greeks had in mind when they developed the olympics? Well, now, harold, you know the greeks used to compete nude. I don't think that would work so good for a fishing derby. Bad place to snag a lure. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, don't do that! You know what I'm talking about. You're trying to win by cheating. Yeah, well, thankfully all you ended up doing was cleaning up the lake. And since there was no actual winner, we're gonna take the prize money, and we're gonna re-stock it with healthy fish. Wait a sec. What do you mean no winner? Take a look at this. That's my caramel candy. Thank you very much. No, no, no. This is what I meant. Does that look familiar? Okay, well, that's the tag, but there's no actual fish on there. I knew you were gonna say that. Take a look at that picture. What do you see there? Where'd you take that? Up on the bridge. The fish jumped out of possum lake, ran across the bridge, and dove into mercury -- see that caribou? He was stopping traffic. So let's cough up the thousand bucks, huh? You don't get the prize money. You didn't bring in the actual fish. I brought in a picture of the fish. That's close enough. Now, come on. Okay. All right. Okay, well, congratulations. No, no, harold. I want my money. Well, that's a picture of a thousand bucks. Close enough. [ applause ] [ possum squealing ] oh, and it's meeting time. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be straight home after the meeting. And somebody got that saying wrong. Okay, a picture's worth 1,000 words, but they're four-letter words. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] come to order here. Find your seats. Everybody sit down. Sit down, everybody. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, we managed to dredge up an old snowmobile out of possum lake. Looks like it's been down there a couple or seasons or maybe more. Is there anybody here who's dropped a snowmobile through the ice in the last five years? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com